I gotta cheer up! All this freaky sh*t ain’t worth obsessing over.
That’s why it’s time for one of my famous RoRo fakt sheetz! I haven’t made one of these since I was dating my wife, I don’t know why, but I felt like making one now to cheer myself up after that stupid dream I had last night, and it’s terrible possible implications for our country and Christians everywhere. I don’t want to think about that sh*t any damn more!
So without further ado, here RoRo!
INTERESTING FAKTZ AND FIGURES ABOUT YOURS TRULY:
- I listen to Howard Stern 5 days a week!
- I am distantly related to actor Danny Glover, but I can’t stand his politics.
- I saw Star Wars in the theater in 1977 40 times.
- I hate all drugs except herb, which is a plant, and not a drug.
- I volunteer 2 days and 3 nights a week, breaking up my volunteer time between church-based outreach, cleaning our highways with at-risk youth, sweeping out pony cages at the park and reading to older people who have vision problems.
- I’ve been married for 7 years, too long! Just kidding. Maybe.
- I have 2 beautiful children who I love more than life itself.
- I have never broken a bone or had any major surgery
- I don’t go for that ghetto grape soda, I am into Sprite.
- I don’t like liver, not even with onions.
- I don’t believe in racism, but I acknowledge many stereotypes are very true. I am not too fond of Arabs right now, I have to be honest.
- I don’t think god hates fags that repent and have the discipline to turn back straight- but if they don’t they’re gonna burn for eternity.
- I have voted republican across the board for more than 10 years.
- I don’t like Hip Hop or RnB or whatever. I like rock and country. It’s my style.
- I love, love, love ice cream. My preference? MF’n strawberry.
- Jay Leno? Funniest man alive.
- I believing in hipping people to the truth about heaven and hell, even if it’s uncomfortable.
- I am known to friends and family as notoriously ‘gassy’. And proud of it!
- I like me a good steak.
- I am no longer a player, but I had me some wild times I have to much class to give the details on!
- Thursday night is poker night.
- I am a master with my BBQ, I OWN that grill. I dig on gas and don’t have time for no damn briquettes.
- I love eating at Carl’s Jr, and eat there 3-5 times a week. Favorite? Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger and Western Bacon 6 Dollar Burger.
- I can bench press 450lbs son!
Monday, January 28, 2008
I HAD A REALLY DISTURBING DREAM ABOUT THE DEMOCRATS LAST NIGHT.
I'm not feeling too good right now.
Oh lord, it was so messed up. I have my fair share of vivid dreams, but the usual sort of stuff. Sure I have good ones, bad ones, and the more than occasional night terror- but this last dream has gotten me all bugged the f*ck out. I have been awake since 4am over this mess. I admit it’s a weird-ass dream, and if I didn’t believe in prophetic dreams or oneiromancy is given to men by GOD, I would never share this creepy sh*t with you. I am not superstitious, I believe in the supernatural OF COURSE, but I believe in the supernatural forces that come from either the power of God or the dominions of Satan. No gay ass tribal shit or boogeymen for me. That superstitious nonsense is for kids. Hey, I am an intellectual, a teacher and a renaissance man all around. I do NOT care for voodoo however- that shit is from the devil and it’s damn real. It’s demonic, and as my Christian brothers know- the devil is FOR REAL. And it is most definitely not superstition. This one crazy old b*tch that lived near my old place of employment was trying to put a curse on me, because I was talking to people in the neighborhood about Christ and the b*tch saw me trying to witness to some of her neighbors. She would peer out at me from behind her curtains and sh*t, she’d make weird faces and hand motions. I ended up changing jobs (not only because of this old b*tch though, I move UP in the world. Better jobs, better times, all that.) I threw a big rock through a glass pane in her front door on my last day at that place. I do NOT play around with voodoo, I am a soldier of God. The satanic b*tch got what was coming, and I’d have loaded up a car with my boys and went and stomped her if the law would have allowed. The world should not be forced to suffer such emissaries of the devil.
But I am getting carried away again, and this is about my dream- and specifically, it’s about Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Barack Obama and Ted damn Kennedy. And it is laced with religious or prophetic signs and imagery. Ok, so it starts off with me sitting in a station wagon (Or Aerostar type minivan maybe?), it’s pitch dark outside and I am not alone in the vehicle. I become slowly aware of the conversation taking place around me, a woman’s voice and several men’s voices. After a minute or so, I realize I am hearing Hilary Clinton’s voice. It is soon joined by what I recognize to be Barack Obama’s voice, her husband Bill and Ted Kennedy. They are whispering almost, and they are being very serious. They are all wearing black, and Ted Kennedy has a pair of dark glasses on- in the middle of the night! Now, it’s all pretty realistic, there’s no weird sh*t going on like all that cliché dream sh*t- being nude or in your underwear or flying around and stuff. We’re just drifting down this dark road, the headlights being the only light except for the dashboard. And they are talking real quiet- and I’ll admit I feel uneasy, even nervous. Something is wrong, and I cannot for the life of me figure out just what the hell it is. “The missiles, how do we get to the bombs and missiles?” It was Obama, and the Bill whispers “Nah, don’t worry. Been there 8 years already- I KNOW how to get to those missiles. Not a problem Barry.” Ted Kennedy then says “Gentlemen and lady, we must not overlook the orbital missiles, this is crucial.” This is all wrong- missiles? Orbital missiles? What the damn hell is going on- I keep thinking. Then Bill hands (of all things!) me a cup of those instant ramen noodles, and pours some steaming hot water over it. (Aw hell son? WTF is this damn sh*t?) He then says “Oriental style, one of my favorites.” I notice we are all getting ready to have some noodles, and Hilary is talking again. “McCain dies first, then that idiot New York mayor goes next.” I am really upset now, but I feel unable to move, frozen, only able to listen. “I want video, so we can savor the kill…again and again...” This was Obama speaking now, and he looked positively evil, glaring like a maniac. I can feel myself trembling, but I can’t even so much as turn my head to look to either side. Now, suddenly, we all start eating the noodle soup in unison, with those crappy chopsticks you get at the chinaman restaurant.
Ted Kennedy looks up about halfway through our shared meal, and with an odd, inscrutable look and says “Peanut butter and jelly anyone?” while handing out sandwiches. Just as he finished his question, I notice some scenery outside the car had become visible finally. It’s a lightly snow covered road now, and we are driving up to a security checkpoint/gate now. Hilary looks around the car now with a look of menace mingling with perverse excitement. “So close to the silos, so close to destruction…” I notice a sign next to the gate, as we drive through says “NORAD”, which is that place where they fire off all the missiles and sh*t, like in that movie ‘Wargames’. As we drive through I see the sky light up brightly with some sort of fiery conflagration, and it forms itself into the shape of a cross- a burning damn cross! The light is so bright it lights up the surrounding snow covered mountains- which remind me now of nothing so much as POINTY WHITE HOODS. Oh God, Lord help me! I think, still unable to speak aloud. The other people in the car are looking at me now, laughing hideously. Their eyes descend to my half finished ramen noodle cup, I follow their eyes down to it. As the Lord preserves me I swear it was now filled with blood! I feel myself start to pass out, and Obama leans towards me, he looks like he’s going to hurt me, and now his eyebrows have grown together and his face looks all hairy. At this moment, still unable to scream, we drive into an opening in the mountain and into pitch darkness.
That’s it, and I haven’t been able to think about anything else since 4am in the damn morning.
What the hell does this mean? What is God trying to tell me? I’ve been praying all day, I skipped work because of this dream. I don’t know, I just wish I knew what this means!
Oh lord, it was so messed up. I have my fair share of vivid dreams, but the usual sort of stuff. Sure I have good ones, bad ones, and the more than occasional night terror- but this last dream has gotten me all bugged the f*ck out. I have been awake since 4am over this mess. I admit it’s a weird-ass dream, and if I didn’t believe in prophetic dreams or oneiromancy is given to men by GOD, I would never share this creepy sh*t with you. I am not superstitious, I believe in the supernatural OF COURSE, but I believe in the supernatural forces that come from either the power of God or the dominions of Satan. No gay ass tribal shit or boogeymen for me. That superstitious nonsense is for kids. Hey, I am an intellectual, a teacher and a renaissance man all around. I do NOT care for voodoo however- that shit is from the devil and it’s damn real. It’s demonic, and as my Christian brothers know- the devil is FOR REAL. And it is most definitely not superstition. This one crazy old b*tch that lived near my old place of employment was trying to put a curse on me, because I was talking to people in the neighborhood about Christ and the b*tch saw me trying to witness to some of her neighbors. She would peer out at me from behind her curtains and sh*t, she’d make weird faces and hand motions. I ended up changing jobs (not only because of this old b*tch though, I move UP in the world. Better jobs, better times, all that.) I threw a big rock through a glass pane in her front door on my last day at that place. I do NOT play around with voodoo, I am a soldier of God. The satanic b*tch got what was coming, and I’d have loaded up a car with my boys and went and stomped her if the law would have allowed. The world should not be forced to suffer such emissaries of the devil.
But I am getting carried away again, and this is about my dream- and specifically, it’s about Hilary Clinton, Bill Clinton, Barack Obama and Ted damn Kennedy. And it is laced with religious or prophetic signs and imagery. Ok, so it starts off with me sitting in a station wagon (Or Aerostar type minivan maybe?), it’s pitch dark outside and I am not alone in the vehicle. I become slowly aware of the conversation taking place around me, a woman’s voice and several men’s voices. After a minute or so, I realize I am hearing Hilary Clinton’s voice. It is soon joined by what I recognize to be Barack Obama’s voice, her husband Bill and Ted Kennedy. They are whispering almost, and they are being very serious. They are all wearing black, and Ted Kennedy has a pair of dark glasses on- in the middle of the night! Now, it’s all pretty realistic, there’s no weird sh*t going on like all that cliché dream sh*t- being nude or in your underwear or flying around and stuff. We’re just drifting down this dark road, the headlights being the only light except for the dashboard. And they are talking real quiet- and I’ll admit I feel uneasy, even nervous. Something is wrong, and I cannot for the life of me figure out just what the hell it is. “The missiles, how do we get to the bombs and missiles?” It was Obama, and the Bill whispers “Nah, don’t worry. Been there 8 years already- I KNOW how to get to those missiles. Not a problem Barry.” Ted Kennedy then says “Gentlemen and lady, we must not overlook the orbital missiles, this is crucial.” This is all wrong- missiles? Orbital missiles? What the damn hell is going on- I keep thinking. Then Bill hands (of all things!) me a cup of those instant ramen noodles, and pours some steaming hot water over it. (Aw hell son? WTF is this damn sh*t?) He then says “Oriental style, one of my favorites.” I notice we are all getting ready to have some noodles, and Hilary is talking again. “McCain dies first, then that idiot New York mayor goes next.” I am really upset now, but I feel unable to move, frozen, only able to listen. “I want video, so we can savor the kill…again and again...” This was Obama speaking now, and he looked positively evil, glaring like a maniac. I can feel myself trembling, but I can’t even so much as turn my head to look to either side. Now, suddenly, we all start eating the noodle soup in unison, with those crappy chopsticks you get at the chinaman restaurant.
Ted Kennedy looks up about halfway through our shared meal, and with an odd, inscrutable look and says “Peanut butter and jelly anyone?” while handing out sandwiches. Just as he finished his question, I notice some scenery outside the car had become visible finally. It’s a lightly snow covered road now, and we are driving up to a security checkpoint/gate now. Hilary looks around the car now with a look of menace mingling with perverse excitement. “So close to the silos, so close to destruction…” I notice a sign next to the gate, as we drive through says “NORAD”, which is that place where they fire off all the missiles and sh*t, like in that movie ‘Wargames’. As we drive through I see the sky light up brightly with some sort of fiery conflagration, and it forms itself into the shape of a cross- a burning damn cross! The light is so bright it lights up the surrounding snow covered mountains- which remind me now of nothing so much as POINTY WHITE HOODS. Oh God, Lord help me! I think, still unable to speak aloud. The other people in the car are looking at me now, laughing hideously. Their eyes descend to my half finished ramen noodle cup, I follow their eyes down to it. As the Lord preserves me I swear it was now filled with blood! I feel myself start to pass out, and Obama leans towards me, he looks like he’s going to hurt me, and now his eyebrows have grown together and his face looks all hairy. At this moment, still unable to scream, we drive into an opening in the mountain and into pitch darkness.
That’s it, and I haven’t been able to think about anything else since 4am in the damn morning.
What the hell does this mean? What is God trying to tell me? I’ve been praying all day, I skipped work because of this dream. I don’t know, I just wish I knew what this means!
MORE POLITICAL SH*T AND CURRENT EVENTS!
I haven’t been following the political nature I decided on for this blog as closely as I wanted to. So I am going to experiment with a slightly different, partially encapsulated method for non-directly political rants. I need to stay more focused on politics (I’m going to try!) until the election is over. Basically, I am hoping to do the contest thusly y’all: ½ of each entire blog post will be political/current events, and NOT necessarily related to the paragraph that follows. I will try to keep the new, shorter non (or less) political parts to a paragraph or two. I have a tendency to speak with passion, from my heart, and I can admit I get carried away. So, here’s how I’ma try and work this sh*t…
COMBINED HEADLINE: It would probably look something like this:
My damn mom says she’s going to vote for Obama! (This will be hopefully 3-5 paragraphs or thereabouts)
NFL Football / Herb / Michael Flatley / Educate the youth! (These 1-2 paragraphs)
What do y’all think brothers? I think it’s going to rock your damn socks right the hell off!
I am off to write a political post now!
COMBINED HEADLINE: It would probably look something like this:
My damn mom says she’s going to vote for Obama! (This will be hopefully 3-5 paragraphs or thereabouts)
NFL Football / Herb / Michael Flatley / Educate the youth! (These 1-2 paragraphs)
What do y’all think brothers? I think it’s going to rock your damn socks right the hell off!
I am off to write a political post now!
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
The funniest thing I have ever seen in my LIFE!
Oh my boys, do I have a story for you! (Unless you’re one of the 5 or 6 people I already told). When I say I erupted in an explosive multitude of laughter for 15 straight minutes- I am NOT exaggerating. Ha ha ha oh Damn! I laugh even as I write this. This is one of those little gifts of good humor the Lord is merciful enough to grant us every now and then. I just wish he’d seen fit to have had me with a video camera at the time! America’s Funniest anyone?
(Now, in my house we are very comfortable with each other. We’re real down home, and we don’t think there’s any shame in our bodily functions, because GOD made them. We belch and pass wind around each other and it’s all good. No one should be ashamed of such things. Hell, my wife got into the habit of leaving the bathroom door open when the kids are in the house, so she can keep an eye (or an ear) on them. And frankly, I never close the bathroom door when I piss- what’s the damn point? Just keep your back to the open door and no one sees anything. It’s been a long standing game we play at dinner in my home, where me and the kids see who can belch or pass wind the loudest. You know how funny these things are to kids, and it’s all harmless fun. Of course the kids never win these contests unless I let them. I have skills! But I am not the subject of this humorous, hilarious incident.)
So anyway, this is what happened. Me and Jenell (my wife) are on our couch watching tv last night, around 9pm. My kids were long since in bed upstairs. And I let one rip, y’know- one of those long, loud beans ‘n greens farts. And she just sort of shoots me an annoyed look. Then about 2 or 3 minutes later, she lets one go. And it was damn loud too! So I muster up another blast and push that one out to the world. Now, my wife has never been much of a ‘farter’ or whatever you’d call it. So imagine my surprise when she’s got another, even louder, one in the chamber. At this point, it’s a damn competition- and I’ll be damned if a b*tch, even if she’s my wife, is gonna beat me at a fartin’ contest. Hell no! It had to have been a good five minutes, on and off, and for some damn reason, Jenell is determined to try and beat me. So I suddenly realize I have what might be the mother of all farts coming on. I feel it ease into the chamber- and now I know I’ve got her beat. I unleash the explosive fury of Mt. Vesuvius at her- it was magnificent. And, unlike most of my last rips, it had a nice stank on it. I was sure there was no way she could win now. I outweigh her by 75 pounds and I EAT, I don’t mess around. Now my wife looks pissed off, and I’m sure she’s done for. Then she lifts one hip a little and I swear she even got a little grimace on her face. This was getting damn intense.
Then, the moment I have been leading up to boys: As soon as I heard the fart- I knew. It was a riiiiip- but it was cut abruptly off by a sound I knew could only be liquid in nature. Her eyes BUGGED OUT like I had never seen before- and she shot up and out of the living room with a speed I never thought a fat ass like her could muster! I mean, it was like the damn Road Runner- beep beep! It was pretty dark in the living room, and she shot out the room so fast- with her hand on her butt- I couldn’t visually verify the hot magma cocoa squirt. I heard the bathroom door just inside the garage slam- it was closest and not all the way up the stairs. I was laughing so hard, and so loud, I barely heard it slam! I was still doubled up on the floor, just laughing like I had never laughed before. It was the craziest shit- especially given how damn unexpected it was. I didn’t see my wife for the next 30 minutes. After a little while I composed myself and went into the kitchen and got myself a big roll of paper towels. I wadded a bunch real good, and I touched the towels to the spot where Jenell was sitting. Oh damn, sure enough- there’s a little spot of brown on the paper towels. I started to feel kind of bad (not much though!), so I got some upholstery cleaner and spend a good 60 seconds wiping and cleaning the cushion. Then I took a piece of paper, drew an ‘X’ on it with a marker, and scotch taped it over the area of the accident. By the time I saw my wife, walking towards the stairs, I had mostly calmed down. She was looking at me like she wanted to kill me (like it was my fault!). I just lost it again, I laughed out loud just like the first time. She just looked away and ran up the stairs with a towel around her damn hips and a plastic bag (I am assuming it was her pants in that one) in her hand.
I calmed down again, and I figured I’d go upstairs and try and smooth things over. She was walking from our kid's room to our bedroom, and she was still glaring at me. I broke up a little bit and she just slams (and I mean SLAMS) our bedroom door- and the b*tch locks it! I ended up having to put my kids to bed again- which at this point was probably the third time tonight. And I made a few quiet attempts (only breaking up a little- I couldn’t help it) at the bedroom door to get her to open it. She told me to go ‘f*ck my damn self’ and that she wasn’t letting me in. I end up sleeping on the recliner- I was obviously not getting on the ‘poo couch’- as I shall call it from now on. The next morning she sees the paper I had put over the spot, and thinks I was making fun of her- for some stupid reason. She rips it off, throws it at me, and storms out the front door, slamming it. By this time I was laughing hard again, and I laughed myself all the way to drop off my kids and all the way to work.
I wonder how she’s gonna act tonight when her ass gets home? Either way, good or bad, it was the funniest thing I ever saw in my life! There y’all go, that’s my golden story boys! Feel free to forward!
(Now, in my house we are very comfortable with each other. We’re real down home, and we don’t think there’s any shame in our bodily functions, because GOD made them. We belch and pass wind around each other and it’s all good. No one should be ashamed of such things. Hell, my wife got into the habit of leaving the bathroom door open when the kids are in the house, so she can keep an eye (or an ear) on them. And frankly, I never close the bathroom door when I piss- what’s the damn point? Just keep your back to the open door and no one sees anything. It’s been a long standing game we play at dinner in my home, where me and the kids see who can belch or pass wind the loudest. You know how funny these things are to kids, and it’s all harmless fun. Of course the kids never win these contests unless I let them. I have skills! But I am not the subject of this humorous, hilarious incident.)
So anyway, this is what happened. Me and Jenell (my wife) are on our couch watching tv last night, around 9pm. My kids were long since in bed upstairs. And I let one rip, y’know- one of those long, loud beans ‘n greens farts. And she just sort of shoots me an annoyed look. Then about 2 or 3 minutes later, she lets one go. And it was damn loud too! So I muster up another blast and push that one out to the world. Now, my wife has never been much of a ‘farter’ or whatever you’d call it. So imagine my surprise when she’s got another, even louder, one in the chamber. At this point, it’s a damn competition- and I’ll be damned if a b*tch, even if she’s my wife, is gonna beat me at a fartin’ contest. Hell no! It had to have been a good five minutes, on and off, and for some damn reason, Jenell is determined to try and beat me. So I suddenly realize I have what might be the mother of all farts coming on. I feel it ease into the chamber- and now I know I’ve got her beat. I unleash the explosive fury of Mt. Vesuvius at her- it was magnificent. And, unlike most of my last rips, it had a nice stank on it. I was sure there was no way she could win now. I outweigh her by 75 pounds and I EAT, I don’t mess around. Now my wife looks pissed off, and I’m sure she’s done for. Then she lifts one hip a little and I swear she even got a little grimace on her face. This was getting damn intense.
Then, the moment I have been leading up to boys: As soon as I heard the fart- I knew. It was a riiiiip- but it was cut abruptly off by a sound I knew could only be liquid in nature. Her eyes BUGGED OUT like I had never seen before- and she shot up and out of the living room with a speed I never thought a fat ass like her could muster! I mean, it was like the damn Road Runner- beep beep! It was pretty dark in the living room, and she shot out the room so fast- with her hand on her butt- I couldn’t visually verify the hot magma cocoa squirt. I heard the bathroom door just inside the garage slam- it was closest and not all the way up the stairs. I was laughing so hard, and so loud, I barely heard it slam! I was still doubled up on the floor, just laughing like I had never laughed before. It was the craziest shit- especially given how damn unexpected it was. I didn’t see my wife for the next 30 minutes. After a little while I composed myself and went into the kitchen and got myself a big roll of paper towels. I wadded a bunch real good, and I touched the towels to the spot where Jenell was sitting. Oh damn, sure enough- there’s a little spot of brown on the paper towels. I started to feel kind of bad (not much though!), so I got some upholstery cleaner and spend a good 60 seconds wiping and cleaning the cushion. Then I took a piece of paper, drew an ‘X’ on it with a marker, and scotch taped it over the area of the accident. By the time I saw my wife, walking towards the stairs, I had mostly calmed down. She was looking at me like she wanted to kill me (like it was my fault!). I just lost it again, I laughed out loud just like the first time. She just looked away and ran up the stairs with a towel around her damn hips and a plastic bag (I am assuming it was her pants in that one) in her hand.
I calmed down again, and I figured I’d go upstairs and try and smooth things over. She was walking from our kid's room to our bedroom, and she was still glaring at me. I broke up a little bit and she just slams (and I mean SLAMS) our bedroom door- and the b*tch locks it! I ended up having to put my kids to bed again- which at this point was probably the third time tonight. And I made a few quiet attempts (only breaking up a little- I couldn’t help it) at the bedroom door to get her to open it. She told me to go ‘f*ck my damn self’ and that she wasn’t letting me in. I end up sleeping on the recliner- I was obviously not getting on the ‘poo couch’- as I shall call it from now on. The next morning she sees the paper I had put over the spot, and thinks I was making fun of her- for some stupid reason. She rips it off, throws it at me, and storms out the front door, slamming it. By this time I was laughing hard again, and I laughed myself all the way to drop off my kids and all the way to work.
I wonder how she’s gonna act tonight when her ass gets home? Either way, good or bad, it was the funniest thing I ever saw in my life! There y’all go, that’s my golden story boys! Feel free to forward!
Monday, January 21, 2008
IT’S MLK DAY!
Thaaaaaat’s right b*tchs! I got the damn day off. Some dude at work told me that Black folks get to drive in the carpool lane alone for this one day of the year. Ain’t no cop going to give a brother a traffic ticket today. I wanna just find a big parking lot and take off like a mad fool, doing donuts and power slides and sh*t! No seat belt, no nothing. I’m gonna drive through people’s front yards son! "Hope ya didn't just mow that sh*t, motherf*cker!" And tonight, right after dinner, I begin my annual MLK day movie marathon. I got a veritable ebony cornucopia of beautiful, bountiful blackness this year. Booty Call, Shaft in Africa, Mandingo and Uptown Saturday Night yo! And this is also the one day of the year my wife doesn’t make a huge stink about me bringing home a jar of pig’s feet and eating them on the couch, right out of the damn jar. Man, this is a day of fun, festive and fantastic frivolity. This is one day of the year where NO ONE gets in the way of my fun. I’ll tell my wife to take our kids and stay away ‘til dawn. She can go hang at her momma’s house. Today I am all about blackness! I even have one of those little African beanie hats like those Nation of Islam dudes wear. Embrace the darkness!
But I should take a moment to hip a lot of you brothers to the dark side of MLK. He was pretty damn un-American, and a man of suspicious, dubious character and behavior. This motherf*cker was a communist! He was a womanizer and a damn homo. He was supposed to be a man of God! Yet he’d skip from b*tch to dude to b*tch- snorting cocaine and hating on Democracy. He really just wanted to be a Black Joseph Stalin or some sh*t. There’s a good chance he ain’t with God now either, and that’s a damn shame. He ain’t no hero to me, like a John Wayne or Luther Campbell either. There’s no way some communist, who’s also half a fag, is going to be my hero. Hell, I heard he 'did' Jesse Jackson when he was young! Jesse Jackson probably got his speech all f*cked up from Dr. King ramming his head against the head board! Imagine talking all marble-mouthed for the rest of your damn life because MLK liked it rough!?! So as far as I’m concerned, he (MLK) got what was coming to him in the end, no pun intended. That secret fag got his communist brains blown out, and I heard his ‘friends’ in the movement tipped off that white dude that killed him. They couldn’t have no leftist fruit as the figurehead of the movement. Besides, the Bible says homos should die. Most Christians (including me) want the Bible’s laws actually enforced, i.e.: All homos should get the death penalty. And there’s half of me that thinks Christians should have MLK piñatas or something, “Take that you commie fruit drug addict!” Pow pow pow. Take it like Jessie took it!
But I won’t make too big a stink about MLK, on account of my ass having the day off. I’ll just keep on keepin’ on- hipping people to the truth, the WORD of God and real American values.
I'm gonna go out to my car and commence the festivities motherf*ckers! Happy MLK Day!!!
But I should take a moment to hip a lot of you brothers to the dark side of MLK. He was pretty damn un-American, and a man of suspicious, dubious character and behavior. This motherf*cker was a communist! He was a womanizer and a damn homo. He was supposed to be a man of God! Yet he’d skip from b*tch to dude to b*tch- snorting cocaine and hating on Democracy. He really just wanted to be a Black Joseph Stalin or some sh*t. There’s a good chance he ain’t with God now either, and that’s a damn shame. He ain’t no hero to me, like a John Wayne or Luther Campbell either. There’s no way some communist, who’s also half a fag, is going to be my hero. Hell, I heard he 'did' Jesse Jackson when he was young! Jesse Jackson probably got his speech all f*cked up from Dr. King ramming his head against the head board! Imagine talking all marble-mouthed for the rest of your damn life because MLK liked it rough!?! So as far as I’m concerned, he (MLK) got what was coming to him in the end, no pun intended. That secret fag got his communist brains blown out, and I heard his ‘friends’ in the movement tipped off that white dude that killed him. They couldn’t have no leftist fruit as the figurehead of the movement. Besides, the Bible says homos should die. Most Christians (including me) want the Bible’s laws actually enforced, i.e.: All homos should get the death penalty. And there’s half of me that thinks Christians should have MLK piñatas or something, “Take that you commie fruit drug addict!” Pow pow pow. Take it like Jessie took it!
But I won’t make too big a stink about MLK, on account of my ass having the day off. I’ll just keep on keepin’ on- hipping people to the truth, the WORD of God and real American values.
I'm gonna go out to my car and commence the festivities motherf*ckers! Happy MLK Day!!!
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Mo’ conspiracy theories
So, I detailed (2 posts ago, sorry my loyal readers- bear with my ass, it’s gonna be worth it!) a grip of those dumb ass conspiracy theories. Here’s another one:
The White man put sh*t into malt liquor to make black people violent: Sometimes my brothers get they heads all the way up their asses. The White man got better things to do with his time than try and f*ck with my brothers in the Ghetto. I have no respect for those lames in the damn slums though. Hell, I wouldn’t care if ‘The Man’ DID put sh*t in their damn Malt Liquor. If your ass is dumb enough to drink that foul, low class sh*t- you get what you deserve. I’d like to take that Billy Dee Williams and kick him dead square in the balls. Colt 45?!? He was Lando Solo in Star Wars! The greatest movie ever, right up there with ‘Legends of the Fall’ and Die Hard. That brother pisses me off. What the hell happened that’d make motherf*cking Lando do a malt liquor commercial? Sometimes I just lose my damn faith in humanity. Sh*t brothers, I am high class. I drink Sam Adams and Cabernet and champagne b*tches. And I take a cigar with my fine wines. Livin' the high life, don't hate!
THE TRUE THEORIES- ALA CONSPIRACY
So now that I laid down the righteous and resplendent truth of the BULLSH*T ones. Here we go, it is always a pleasure for me to enlighten y’all.
Gay faggots want to change you gay: Now this one is just so glaringly obvious- how anyone can deny it mystificates me. Gays hate themselves, because they know what they do to each others butts and mouths is an egregious sin. And they think: “If I can’t go to heaven and be with god- then neither can YOU!” Look, I teach kids- and I can tell from many of the books, videos and pamphlets we get from the State of California- Fags are on the move. They want to teach 8 and 9 year old kids about anal sex! I do my best to keep ‘em on the straight and narrow- but I am only one man. And I have to be careful what I say- I am technically not allowed to say ‘faggot’ in front of these kids. In my class I let the kids say faggot all they want- as long as no one hears me using it- it’s all good. I think it’s good to hear kids saying faggot, fruit, queer, fairy- all that sh*t. We’re gonna lose our kids to these queers, and they’re gonna be butt-f*cking and rug-munching and turning their backs on God. We Christians and educators need to do whatever we can to fight against this gay agenda and keep our kids straight. So- the ‘Gay Conspiracy’? 100% TRUE.
Jew$ rule the world: Another fairly obvious one, Jews are secretive, they think they’re the chosen of God (Like God would make his ‘Chosen people’ with those damn big-ass noses…), they used to (especially in medieval times) drink the blood of Christian kids in ritual. They killed Jesus (along with greaseball Italians), they are obsessed with gold and diamonds and sh*t. I heard from my cousin, over the holidays, that there’s 7 main Jews in Switzerland that run the whole show. All the banks, all the governments, restaurants, airports- everything. Why else would Jews have been hated throughout all human history? And they hate Black and Brown people. They use us to do their Jew dirty work. Concentration camps? Yeah, sure, step off. Next fairy tale.
Dave Chappell, Oprah and Bill Cosby: I have researched this one extensively. Basically, Bill Cosby, Oprah and notorious dumbass Al Sharpton got together and conspired to ruin Dave Chappelle’s career- because they thought the show denegrated Black people. I thought Chappelle’s Show was funny, but it was way too raunchy and dirty for my values. I felt a little guilty watching and laughing at that show. But after much prayer and contemplation, God made it known to me that I should stop watching, so I stopped. But I do believe- Oprah especially- that their asses banded together to stop Chappelle. I hate those filthy c*ck sucking motherf*ckers for that. God is going to lay the pain on them eventually, be sure of that.
Freemasons run America: George Washington, Ben German Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Jefferson- ALL Freemasons. In much the same way as the Jews and the world conspiracy, but the freemasons run America only. These are good people though, some badass white people kicking all sorts of ass. I bet they sit around playing cards and smoking cigars (or herb yo!), flipping through the Sears catalog women’s underwear section- just picking out one of the girls and making a phone call. Then, BLAM, the b*tch is over to their clubhouse for some fun. This is one motherf*cking conspiracy I could be a part of, my brothers. Thomas Jefferson had a taste for my Black sisters too- bonus points.
Kids disappearing in Walmart: This is a truly frightening one, and I am not afraid to admit it wierds my ass out a little bit. I heard that every year, something like 600-700 kids just vanish inside Walmart’s all over the country. And I heard something positively blood curdling- Walmart may be keeping slaves. And more Black kids disappear than White kids too. The cops won’t do anything, because the kids are lower class little motherf*ckers. One less citizen of the ghetto, they probably think. I wrote to my Senator twice this year already, trying to hip him to this ghoulish sh*t. I love children, and the idea of them being preyed upon like this sickens my righteous ass. We have got to protect our f*cking kids.
Bigfoot: This big, hairy ape-like creature is supported by scientific evidence. But is it a primitive, caveman type dude? A furry type of dinosaur like the Loch-Ness monster? A scientific experiment gone horribly awry? No matter what it really is, just keep it’s spooky ass away from me! But it’d be bangin' if I could actually kill this creature. I’d be rich, famous and get all the p*ssy I could handle. Just don’t tell my wife. I heard there could be a whole race of these things out there in the woods. Damn, I would love to bust a cap in that monster. Blayam blayam blayam! Take it like a b*tch, you hairy punk-ass! I’ll take my new pit bull out with me, and he could sniff the monster out while I went all sniper on it. Yeah, I know, it ain’t gonna happen, but it’s fun to use my imagination sometimes. Like ‘Reading Rainow’ haha, LeVar Burton ain’t got nothing on Big Daddy RoRo!
More later!
The White man put sh*t into malt liquor to make black people violent: Sometimes my brothers get they heads all the way up their asses. The White man got better things to do with his time than try and f*ck with my brothers in the Ghetto. I have no respect for those lames in the damn slums though. Hell, I wouldn’t care if ‘The Man’ DID put sh*t in their damn Malt Liquor. If your ass is dumb enough to drink that foul, low class sh*t- you get what you deserve. I’d like to take that Billy Dee Williams and kick him dead square in the balls. Colt 45?!? He was Lando Solo in Star Wars! The greatest movie ever, right up there with ‘Legends of the Fall’ and Die Hard. That brother pisses me off. What the hell happened that’d make motherf*cking Lando do a malt liquor commercial? Sometimes I just lose my damn faith in humanity. Sh*t brothers, I am high class. I drink Sam Adams and Cabernet and champagne b*tches. And I take a cigar with my fine wines. Livin' the high life, don't hate!
THE TRUE THEORIES- ALA CONSPIRACY
So now that I laid down the righteous and resplendent truth of the BULLSH*T ones. Here we go, it is always a pleasure for me to enlighten y’all.
Gay faggots want to change you gay: Now this one is just so glaringly obvious- how anyone can deny it mystificates me. Gays hate themselves, because they know what they do to each others butts and mouths is an egregious sin. And they think: “If I can’t go to heaven and be with god- then neither can YOU!” Look, I teach kids- and I can tell from many of the books, videos and pamphlets we get from the State of California- Fags are on the move. They want to teach 8 and 9 year old kids about anal sex! I do my best to keep ‘em on the straight and narrow- but I am only one man. And I have to be careful what I say- I am technically not allowed to say ‘faggot’ in front of these kids. In my class I let the kids say faggot all they want- as long as no one hears me using it- it’s all good. I think it’s good to hear kids saying faggot, fruit, queer, fairy- all that sh*t. We’re gonna lose our kids to these queers, and they’re gonna be butt-f*cking and rug-munching and turning their backs on God. We Christians and educators need to do whatever we can to fight against this gay agenda and keep our kids straight. So- the ‘Gay Conspiracy’? 100% TRUE.
Jew$ rule the world: Another fairly obvious one, Jews are secretive, they think they’re the chosen of God (Like God would make his ‘Chosen people’ with those damn big-ass noses…), they used to (especially in medieval times) drink the blood of Christian kids in ritual. They killed Jesus (along with greaseball Italians), they are obsessed with gold and diamonds and sh*t. I heard from my cousin, over the holidays, that there’s 7 main Jews in Switzerland that run the whole show. All the banks, all the governments, restaurants, airports- everything. Why else would Jews have been hated throughout all human history? And they hate Black and Brown people. They use us to do their Jew dirty work. Concentration camps? Yeah, sure, step off. Next fairy tale.
Dave Chappell, Oprah and Bill Cosby: I have researched this one extensively. Basically, Bill Cosby, Oprah and notorious dumbass Al Sharpton got together and conspired to ruin Dave Chappelle’s career- because they thought the show denegrated Black people. I thought Chappelle’s Show was funny, but it was way too raunchy and dirty for my values. I felt a little guilty watching and laughing at that show. But after much prayer and contemplation, God made it known to me that I should stop watching, so I stopped. But I do believe- Oprah especially- that their asses banded together to stop Chappelle. I hate those filthy c*ck sucking motherf*ckers for that. God is going to lay the pain on them eventually, be sure of that.
Freemasons run America: George Washington, Ben German Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Jefferson- ALL Freemasons. In much the same way as the Jews and the world conspiracy, but the freemasons run America only. These are good people though, some badass white people kicking all sorts of ass. I bet they sit around playing cards and smoking cigars (or herb yo!), flipping through the Sears catalog women’s underwear section- just picking out one of the girls and making a phone call. Then, BLAM, the b*tch is over to their clubhouse for some fun. This is one motherf*cking conspiracy I could be a part of, my brothers. Thomas Jefferson had a taste for my Black sisters too- bonus points.
Kids disappearing in Walmart: This is a truly frightening one, and I am not afraid to admit it wierds my ass out a little bit. I heard that every year, something like 600-700 kids just vanish inside Walmart’s all over the country. And I heard something positively blood curdling- Walmart may be keeping slaves. And more Black kids disappear than White kids too. The cops won’t do anything, because the kids are lower class little motherf*ckers. One less citizen of the ghetto, they probably think. I wrote to my Senator twice this year already, trying to hip him to this ghoulish sh*t. I love children, and the idea of them being preyed upon like this sickens my righteous ass. We have got to protect our f*cking kids.
Bigfoot: This big, hairy ape-like creature is supported by scientific evidence. But is it a primitive, caveman type dude? A furry type of dinosaur like the Loch-Ness monster? A scientific experiment gone horribly awry? No matter what it really is, just keep it’s spooky ass away from me! But it’d be bangin' if I could actually kill this creature. I’d be rich, famous and get all the p*ssy I could handle. Just don’t tell my wife. I heard there could be a whole race of these things out there in the woods. Damn, I would love to bust a cap in that monster. Blayam blayam blayam! Take it like a b*tch, you hairy punk-ass! I’ll take my new pit bull out with me, and he could sniff the monster out while I went all sniper on it. Yeah, I know, it ain’t gonna happen, but it’s fun to use my imagination sometimes. Like ‘Reading Rainow’ haha, LeVar Burton ain’t got nothing on Big Daddy RoRo!
More later!
Gotta cool down!
I had to ask Jesus, several times I might add, for strength and fortitude, serenity and peace of mind last night. My wife, or as I have come to think of her- D’B*tch- won't stop hassling my ass. This sh*t ain’t fair, no way, no how! I can’t believe I let the b*tch hassle me into a trip to the damn Olive Garden. We went last month! Hell son, I admit it- I have a bit of a temper. A lot of authentic Black men do- so what? What the hell is wrong with my damn wife? Actually, I know what it is- women getting crazy these days, cause men have grown soft, weak, and flaccid- we are slowly turning into a nation of pussies! After I drive her ass to stand in line for four damn hours to try and get on the Antiques Roadshow tomorrow, I am going to lay down the motherf*cking law. Women are the damn gatherers. Men are the hunters. I ought to go into our bedroom tonight and pull those damn frilly pink pillow cases off and throw them in the damn trash. I ain’t doing this sh*t anymore. A man like me should NOT understand valances, pillow shams or the thread count of damn bed sheets! I am going to go all out and buy some zebra pattern blankets and cheetah spot pillows and sh*t. I’m going to make it look like a hunter’s room. I’ll mount my hunting rifle over the bed. I’d go hunting this weekend, but the only one of my friends that is badass enough to kill something- he’s afraid of dogs. Yeah I know, it’s ridiculous- show the motherf*cker a pit bull (a man’s dog!) and the motherf*cker gets all nervous. He pretends he ain’t, but I have seen him tense up even around my Pekinese. And my dog is definitely gonna be with me when I hunt. I need to make some friends who hunt deer and grizzly bears and sh*t. Oh yeah motherf*ckers- I'ma get me a pit bull too.
Damn, my wife should know not to mess with a dude like me. I might have to leave her ass if she keeps up with this sh*t. I ain’t eating nothing but steaks for at least all of next week. And then I’ma stank up her bathroom. I am going to UNLOAD my motherf*cking bowels and conveniently ‘forget’ to flush. My ass will deliver a mammoth load of brown she will never forget. She's not going to be able to watch a UPS commercial again! "What can brown do for you today, b*tch?" I will straight up disrespect her toilet son! She’ll have to go out to the garage and use my bathroom, where I will leave a few issues of Penthouse or Hustler or maybe even something more hardcore- if she don’t straighten up. I’m a good looking man, and I could get as much p*ssy as I want. There are so many single b*tches at my Church, it is positively motherf*cking delectable! Damn, there’s this one b*tch, her name’s Leticia, and DAMN, she’s fine. Shiny black hair, big ass eyes, a boomin’, bangin’ and bountiful back door to top it off! You can never have too much junk in the trunk. This fine ass Leticia has a butterball.
Gotta go teach some kids now, but I think I'll have to write more before this day is done.
Damn, my wife should know not to mess with a dude like me. I might have to leave her ass if she keeps up with this sh*t. I ain’t eating nothing but steaks for at least all of next week. And then I’ma stank up her bathroom. I am going to UNLOAD my motherf*cking bowels and conveniently ‘forget’ to flush. My ass will deliver a mammoth load of brown she will never forget. She's not going to be able to watch a UPS commercial again! "What can brown do for you today, b*tch?" I will straight up disrespect her toilet son! She’ll have to go out to the garage and use my bathroom, where I will leave a few issues of Penthouse or Hustler or maybe even something more hardcore- if she don’t straighten up. I’m a good looking man, and I could get as much p*ssy as I want. There are so many single b*tches at my Church, it is positively motherf*cking delectable! Damn, there’s this one b*tch, her name’s Leticia, and DAMN, she’s fine. Shiny black hair, big ass eyes, a boomin’, bangin’ and bountiful back door to top it off! You can never have too much junk in the trunk. This fine ass Leticia has a butterball.
Gotta go teach some kids now, but I think I'll have to write more before this day is done.
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