The funniest thing I have ever seen in my LIFE!

Oh my boys, do I have a story for you! (Unless you’re one of the 5 or 6 people I already told). When I say I erupted in an explosive multitude of laughter for 15 straight minutes- I am NOT exaggerating. Ha ha ha oh Damn! I laugh even as I write this. This is one of those little gifts of good humor the Lord is merciful enough to grant us every now and then. I just wish he’d seen fit to have had me with a video camera at the time! America’s Funniest anyone?

(Now, in my house we are very comfortable with each other. We’re real down home, and we don’t think there’s any shame in our bodily functions, because GOD made them. We belch and pass wind around each other and it’s all good. No one should be ashamed of such things. Hell, my wife got into the habit of leaving the bathroom door open when the kids are in the house, so she can keep an eye (or an ear) on them. And frankly, I never close the bathroom door when I piss- what’s the damn point? Just keep your back to the open door and no one sees anything. It’s been a long standing game we play at dinner in my home, where me and the kids see who can belch or pass wind the loudest. You know how funny these things are to kids, and it’s all harmless fun. Of course the kids never win these contests unless I let them. I have skills! But I am not the subject of this humorous, hilarious incident.)

So anyway, this is what happened. Me and Jenell (my wife) are on our couch watching tv last night, around 9pm. My kids were long since in bed upstairs. And I let one rip, y’know- one of those long, loud beans ‘n greens farts. And she just sort of shoots me an annoyed look. Then about 2 or 3 minutes later, she lets one go. And it was damn loud too! So I muster up another blast and push that one out to the world. Now, my wife has never been much of a ‘farter’ or whatever you’d call it. So imagine my surprise when she’s got another, even louder, one in the chamber. At this point, it’s a damn competition- and I’ll be damned if a b*tch, even if she’s my wife, is gonna beat me at a fartin’ contest. Hell no! It had to have been a good five minutes, on and off, and for some damn reason, Jenell is determined to try and beat me. So I suddenly realize I have what might be the mother of all farts coming on. I feel it ease into the chamber- and now I know I’ve got her beat. I unleash the explosive fury of Mt. Vesuvius at her- it was magnificent. And, unlike most of my last rips, it had a nice stank on it. I was sure there was no way she could win now. I outweigh her by 75 pounds and I EAT, I don’t mess around. Now my wife looks pissed off, and I’m sure she’s done for. Then she lifts one hip a little and I swear she even got a little grimace on her face. This was getting damn intense.

Then, the moment I have been leading up to boys: As soon as I heard the fart- I knew. It was a riiiiip- but it was cut abruptly off by a sound I knew could only be liquid in nature. Her eyes BUGGED OUT like I had never seen before- and she shot up and out of the living room with a speed I never thought a fat ass like her could muster! I mean, it was like the damn Road Runner- beep beep! It was pretty dark in the living room, and she shot out the room so fast- with her hand on her butt- I couldn’t visually verify the hot magma cocoa squirt. I heard the bathroom door just inside the garage slam- it was closest and not all the way up the stairs. I was laughing so hard, and so loud, I barely heard it slam! I was still doubled up on the floor, just laughing like I had never laughed before. It was the craziest shit- especially given how damn unexpected it was. I didn’t see my wife for the next 30 minutes. After a little while I composed myself and went into the kitchen and got myself a big roll of paper towels. I wadded a bunch real good, and I touched the towels to the spot where Jenell was sitting. Oh damn, sure enough- there’s a little spot of brown on the paper towels. I started to feel kind of bad (not much though!), so I got some upholstery cleaner and spend a good 60 seconds wiping and cleaning the cushion. Then I took a piece of paper, drew an ‘X’ on it with a marker, and scotch taped it over the area of the accident. By the time I saw my wife, walking towards the stairs, I had mostly calmed down. She was looking at me like she wanted to kill me (like it was my fault!). I just lost it again, I laughed out loud just like the first time. She just looked away and ran up the stairs with a towel around her damn hips and a plastic bag (I am assuming it was her pants in that one) in her hand.

I calmed down again, and I figured I’d go upstairs and try and smooth things over. She was walking from our kid's room to our bedroom, and she was still glaring at me. I broke up a little bit and she just slams (and I mean SLAMS) our bedroom door- and the b*tch locks it! I ended up having to put my kids to bed again- which at this point was probably the third time tonight. And I made a few quiet attempts (only breaking up a little- I couldn’t help it) at the bedroom door to get her to open it. She told me to go ‘f*ck my damn self’ and that she wasn’t letting me in. I end up sleeping on the recliner- I was obviously not getting on the ‘poo couch’- as I shall call it from now on. The next morning she sees the paper I had put over the spot, and thinks I was making fun of her- for some stupid reason. She rips it off, throws it at me, and storms out the front door, slamming it. By this time I was laughing hard again, and I laughed myself all the way to drop off my kids and all the way to work.

I wonder how she’s gonna act tonight when her ass gets home? Either way, good or bad, it was the funniest thing I ever saw in my life! There y’all go, that’s my golden story boys! Feel free to forward!