My take on the Presidential contenders

The 2008 presidential candidates- man, oh man alive, how they do not impress my ass. I always find myself in a precarious series of quandaries during these most momentous and magnitudinal times. Worse than Superbowl, the Oscars, CMAs, all that sh*t. As an aggressive follower of politics of current events, no matter how many promises I make to myself NOT to watch the news shows or read the internet- I always crack and gobble it up. So I figure I’ma throw my hat into the ring and lay it down tight, so tight it’s gonna open the eyes of anyone lucky enough to share my mind. So read these words, and step in justice brother.

DEMOCRATIC HOPEFULS (the donkey):

-Hillary Clinton: I know this isn’t going to be popular, but I am an old fashioned sort of man, and I have old fashioned sorts of values. Straight up- I am not voting for a woman. And even if I was going to vote for a b*tch, it would not be this sanctimonious shrew Hillary Clinton. Have you heard that hag’s freaky fake laughter? Man, I can’t believe she doesn’t know what a funky-ass witch she sounds like. Like it’s gonna be Halloween 24/7 365 in the White House if the skank ever gets elected. No way will I ever vote for her, and I have made it very plain to my wife that she will not be voting for Hillary (aka Da Witch) either. I am the man of the house, and that’s how it is and always will be.

-John Edwards: Screw this guy. I don’t care for his little Ken-Doll looking façade or his down home condescending Southern Values. I may be a Red State dude at heart- but this is one Southerner I do not like. I see his lips quivering, but I don’t hear a word he’s sayin’. Turn the page on this one brothers. Move on. (But f*ck http://www.moveon.org/ !)

-Barak Obama: I have decidedly mixed feelings about this rather dubious brother, plain and simple. First of all, the motherf*cker has not paid his dues! He’s a freshman politician, he’s not experienced in politics. Sure the dude’s a charming and a charismatic figure, but so what? So’s Denzel Washinton- are we pushing him into the Presidency? Yeah, I thought so. And his ‘blackness’, his colors, his cred- I don’t even know what to think. This brother is some kinda weird African or something. As much as I am loathe to say it, he doesn’t really even seem black. I don’t know man, I feel weird about him.

-Dennis Kucinich: I’m sorry? Dennis Kucinich? Uh yeah, he’s got a chance to win, sure... NEXT IN LINE PLEASE! This little jingle-bell-shoed elf should be up north making Christmas cookies and not wasting valuable airtime with his pointless campaign nonsense. Yeah he’s progressive, ‘cause he’s making ‘progress’ towards making me burst out in laughter!

-Bill Richardson: I don’t know sh*t about this cat, but he’s got a weird lookin’ face and I don’t like it. He looks like a liar, like a sneaky slimy snake that wants to harm us. I am just talking about the way he looks. I don’t know anything about him or his career. I do know one thing though- he ain’t gonna win! BURN.

REPUBLICAN HOPEFULS (the elephant):

-Rudy Giuliani: This dude was all over 9/11. That is important to me, both as and American- and as a Christian man. 9/11 was the most important event to ever happen in world history. Well, except for the Bible and Jesus and sh*t, but you get my drift. Rudy is a hero- y’all hear me? A H-E-R-O.! And I know they are gonna bring up his divorces and all that other bullsh*t they always try and smear candidates with. The Democrats will excoriate an opponent over something like infidelity- but they sucked the greasy c*ck of Bill Clinton 24/7/365! Double standards is all they deal in. We need leadership in these trying times, and the only man, the ONLY man- who has demonstrated said leadership is Sir Rudolph Giuliani. Period, end of story, step off. (He could get a last name your ass doesn’t have to Google to spell right though!)

-Mike Huckabee: A tough one, a real tough one. This dude divides my spirit, my soul. I am a Christian man, and I observe the faith and pray to my Jesus daily. My kids say their prayers, I tithe, I even have a picture of Christ in my wallet and in my desk drawer at work. (I can’t have the picture on top of my desk because it’s a public education setting.) This guy, called ‘Huck’ for some gay reason, is a man of God, but he’s white like a sheet and I think he hates black people deep down. Well, I think so, I don’t know really. I don’t think I want him to get the nomination, so I hope God is ok with that. I’ll pray on it.

-John McCain: He’s a war hero, the man was in a tiger cage like in ‘Deer Hunter’ or something. He did his duty, took his licks and did it like a man. I like the guy, I could deal with him as President if he weren’t old enough to be Dick Cheney’s gym teacher, ok? He looks decrepit, and I hate to say that, but it's true. We need a man who’s got some vitality in him in the White House. Sorry John, we love ya, but give it up dude.

-Mitt Romney: He’s a Mormon! That is, in my opinion, (and everyone else’s too) a CULT. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is Scientology without Tom Cruise, ok? They not only say they love Jesus, but I heard they worship rocks and metal plates and sh*t too. They are polygamy supporters and want to subvert the US government. I have no idea how Romney could have got this far because of his 'religion'. Oh no, oh NO- I would never support a President like that. How many first Ladies are we gonna have? 2? 3? 10??? No way. Wake up brothers. Ah, it’s not that big a deal, I don’t see him getting the nomination anyway.

-Ron Paul: Another religious man (sorry God!), but he’s a throwback, an isolationist with a totally antiquated view of world politics. He’s against killing little babies (abortion), which I approve of, but the guy’s in the dark about the international components of US government. He needs to get real with himself and start paying attention. So no, I won’t be voting for this man.

-Fred Thompson: I saw this guy on ‘Law and Order’ (I love that show!), so if Giuliani tanks, he’s maybe my #2. If he can act that good, imagine how he could fool and trick those foreign dictator types. Kim Jong Il would be all charmed and sh*t- then BLAM- we take over before he knows what’s coming. That could work, if it were done right. The timing would have to be like ‘Mission Impossible’ tight though. I saw an issue of ‘Newsweek’ with an article about him at my Aunt’s house, so I’m gonna stop by after work soon to pick it up. It’s about time I start looking into this man’s politics. Yeah, I’m about that.

-RoRo OUT!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!