Gotta cool down!

I had to ask Jesus, several times I might add, for strength and fortitude, serenity and peace of mind last night. My wife, or as I have come to think of her- D’B*tch- won't stop hassling my ass. This sh*t ain’t fair, no way, no how! I can’t believe I let the b*tch hassle me into a trip to the damn Olive Garden. We went last month! Hell son, I admit it- I have a bit of a temper. A lot of authentic Black men do- so what? What the hell is wrong with my damn wife? Actually, I know what it is- women getting crazy these days, cause men have grown soft, weak, and flaccid- we are slowly turning into a nation of pussies! After I drive her ass to stand in line for four damn hours to try and get on the Antiques Roadshow tomorrow, I am going to lay down the motherf*cking law. Women are the damn gatherers. Men are the hunters. I ought to go into our bedroom tonight and pull those damn frilly pink pillow cases off and throw them in the damn trash. I ain’t doing this sh*t anymore. A man like me should NOT understand valances, pillow shams or the thread count of damn bed sheets! I am going to go all out and buy some zebra pattern blankets and cheetah spot pillows and sh*t. I’m going to make it look like a hunter’s room. I’ll mount my hunting rifle over the bed. I’d go hunting this weekend, but the only one of my friends that is badass enough to kill something- he’s afraid of dogs. Yeah I know, it’s ridiculous- show the motherf*cker a pit bull (a man’s dog!) and the motherf*cker gets all nervous. He pretends he ain’t, but I have seen him tense up even around my Pekinese. And my dog is definitely gonna be with me when I hunt. I need to make some friends who hunt deer and grizzly bears and sh*t. Oh yeah motherf*ckers- I'ma get me a pit bull too.

Damn, my wife should know not to mess with a dude like me. I might have to leave her ass if she keeps up with this sh*t. I ain’t eating nothing but steaks for at least all of next week. And then I’ma stank up her bathroom. I am going to UNLOAD my motherf*cking bowels and conveniently ‘forget’ to flush. My ass will deliver a mammoth load of brown she will never forget. She's not going to be able to watch a UPS commercial again! "What can brown do for you today, b*tch?" I will straight up disrespect her toilet son! She’ll have to go out to the garage and use my bathroom, where I will leave a few issues of Penthouse or Hustler or maybe even something more hardcore- if she don’t straighten up. I’m a good looking man, and I could get as much p*ssy as I want. There are so many single b*tches at my Church, it is positively motherf*cking delectable! Damn, there’s this one b*tch, her name’s Leticia, and DAMN, she’s fine. Shiny black hair, big ass eyes, a boomin’, bangin’ and bountiful back door to top it off! You can never have too much junk in the trunk. This fine ass Leticia has a butterball.

Gotta go teach some kids now, but I think I'll have to write more before this day is done.