Mo’ conspiracy theories

So, I detailed (2 posts ago, sorry my loyal readers- bear with my ass, it’s gonna be worth it!) a grip of those dumb ass conspiracy theories. Here’s another one:

The White man put sh*t into malt liquor to make black people violent: Sometimes my brothers get they heads all the way up their asses. The White man got better things to do with his time than try and f*ck with my brothers in the Ghetto. I have no respect for those lames in the damn slums though. Hell, I wouldn’t care if ‘The Man’ DID put sh*t in their damn Malt Liquor. If your ass is dumb enough to drink that foul, low class sh*t- you get what you deserve. I’d like to take that Billy Dee Williams and kick him dead square in the balls. Colt 45?!? He was Lando Solo in Star Wars! The greatest movie ever, right up there with ‘Legends of the Fall’ and Die Hard. That brother pisses me off. What the hell happened that’d make motherf*cking Lando do a malt liquor commercial? Sometimes I just lose my damn faith in humanity. Sh*t brothers, I am high class. I drink Sam Adams and Cabernet and champagne b*tches. And I take a cigar with my fine wines. Livin' the high life, don't hate!

THE TRUE THEORIES- ALA CONSPIRACY
So now that I laid down the righteous and resplendent truth of the BULLSH*T ones. Here we go, it is always a pleasure for me to enlighten y’all.


Gay faggots want to change you gay: Now this one is just so glaringly obvious- how anyone can deny it mystificates me. Gays hate themselves, because they know what they do to each others butts and mouths is an egregious sin. And they think: “If I can’t go to heaven and be with god- then neither can YOU!” Look, I teach kids- and I can tell from many of the books, videos and pamphlets we get from the State of California- Fags are on the move. They want to teach 8 and 9 year old kids about anal sex! I do my best to keep ‘em on the straight and narrow- but I am only one man. And I have to be careful what I say- I am technically not allowed to say ‘faggot’ in front of these kids. In my class I let the kids say faggot all they want- as long as no one hears me using it- it’s all good. I think it’s good to hear kids saying faggot, fruit, queer, fairy- all that sh*t. We’re gonna lose our kids to these queers, and they’re gonna be butt-f*cking and rug-munching and turning their backs on God. We Christians and educators need to do whatever we can to fight against this gay agenda and keep our kids straight. So- the ‘Gay Conspiracy’? 100% TRUE.

Jew$ rule the world: Another fairly obvious one, Jews are secretive, they think they’re the chosen of God (Like God would make his ‘Chosen people’ with those damn big-ass noses…), they used to (especially in medieval times) drink the blood of Christian kids in ritual. They killed Jesus (along with greaseball Italians), they are obsessed with gold and diamonds and sh*t. I heard from my cousin, over the holidays, that there’s 7 main Jews in Switzerland that run the whole show. All the banks, all the governments, restaurants, airports- everything. Why else would Jews have been hated throughout all human history? And they hate Black and Brown people. They use us to do their Jew dirty work. Concentration camps? Yeah, sure, step off. Next fairy tale.

Dave Chappell, Oprah and Bill Cosby: I have researched this one extensively. Basically, Bill Cosby, Oprah and notorious dumbass Al Sharpton got together and conspired to ruin Dave Chappelle’s career- because they thought the show denegrated Black people. I thought Chappelle’s Show was funny, but it was way too raunchy and dirty for my values. I felt a little guilty watching and laughing at that show. But after much prayer and contemplation, God made it known to me that I should stop watching, so I stopped. But I do believe- Oprah especially- that their asses banded together to stop Chappelle. I hate those filthy c*ck sucking motherf*ckers for that. God is going to lay the pain on them eventually, be sure of that.

Freemasons run America: George Washington, Ben German Franklin, Alexander Hamilton, Thomas Jefferson- ALL Freemasons. In much the same way as the Jews and the world conspiracy, but the freemasons run America only. These are good people though, some badass white people kicking all sorts of ass. I bet they sit around playing cards and smoking cigars (or herb yo!), flipping through the Sears catalog women’s underwear section- just picking out one of the girls and making a phone call. Then, BLAM, the b*tch is over to their clubhouse for some fun. This is one motherf*cking conspiracy I could be a part of, my brothers. Thomas Jefferson had a taste for my Black sisters too- bonus points.

Kids disappearing in Walmart: This is a truly frightening one, and I am not afraid to admit it wierds my ass out a little bit. I heard that every year, something like 600-700 kids just vanish inside Walmart’s all over the country. And I heard something positively blood curdling- Walmart may be keeping slaves. And more Black kids disappear than White kids too. The cops won’t do anything, because the kids are lower class little motherf*ckers. One less citizen of the ghetto, they probably think. I wrote to my Senator twice this year already, trying to hip him to this ghoulish sh*t. I love children, and the idea of them being preyed upon like this sickens my righteous ass. We have got to protect our f*cking kids.

Bigfoot: This big, hairy ape-like creature is supported by scientific evidence. But is it a primitive, caveman type dude? A furry type of dinosaur like the Loch-Ness monster? A scientific experiment gone horribly awry? No matter what it really is, just keep it’s spooky ass away from me! But it’d be bangin' if I could actually kill this creature. I’d be rich, famous and get all the p*ssy I could handle. Just don’t tell my wife. I heard there could be a whole race of these things out there in the woods. Damn, I would love to bust a cap in that monster. Blayam blayam blayam! Take it like a b*tch, you hairy punk-ass! I’ll take my new pit bull out with me, and he could sniff the monster out while I went all sniper on it. Yeah, I know, it ain’t gonna happen, but it’s fun to use my imagination sometimes. Like ‘Reading Rainow’ haha, LeVar Burton ain’t got nothing on Big Daddy RoRo!

More later!